Thursday, April 13, 2006
uhmmm/hmmm...
i'm really sorry that i just cannot reciprocate with the same magnitude your feelings for me at this point and i really understand if you can't wait any longer and it's not your fault that you don't understand what i have gone through to make myself whole again just thinking about letting myself become vulnerable again scares me for now you came close though i am not gonna answer your calls and messages i think it would be easier for the both of us if i didn't i hope you get to find what you're looking for soon goodbye...
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I have this fear of making the wrong move for my heart. I have this fear of falling for the wrong person because i know that when i love - he's going to be the first - and he's going to be the last... and it is going to be forever, regardless of what the circumstances may be, regardless of the ideal thoughts, regardless of what is real. This is why i will never say those words so easily and which is why i live a romantic life as carefree as i can - because i have not met him yet. I know that when i get to be serious with someone that's the time that i get to be too conspicuous... i dont want to miss out any chance i have with any potential man that comes knockin on my heart but i also dont want to waste such precious words on someone for whom i have uncertain feelings for. If i give it and i give in and fall - i give it, give in, and fall, one time to one person only and make it work and make it last. I know, This seems too ideal, but i would like to make it real. The very reason my heart is open to anyone is because i believe that all it takes is a chance and if it does not work and i dont get to say those wanting words - then i just have to move on.
When i met you - I did not address it to fate - nor describe it serendipituous - it was just the perfect circumstance that i was there and you were there - that you caught my eyes. Everything was just working out that time "perfectly" - but that's not fate... not yet i believe. I was drawn - that's true. But there's so much more ahead that we do not really know... so many things to realize and to uncover. although somethings are already certain for me - like the fact that i am "intensely attracted" to you regardless of the imperfection you see in yourself.
i have oftentimes described my feelings for you as sublime, inspiring, and beautiful - but ultimately its romantic - amidst the hurt and the pain - for when, during those times you retaliate with antagonism when i reveal the sad truth of my frustration with the way things are going or when i express the pain and the hurt i am feeling - what resurfaces is the rooted affinity i have for your aspect... the special feelings i have for you - that is, and has ALWAYS BEEN, what is most important for me that i do not care of pride - i keep coming back because my heart tells me so... another adjective or another word - but its all the same - i go back to YOU.
I have yet to know many things about you and yes, i yearn to have you near... to know you. You are aged - i know, and perhaps i am young for you - perhaps even too young for you - and i would like to believe that this is one of the reasons for your apprehensive behavior, not to mention the past experiences you have - but being as it is - what does age nor experience have to do with matters such as this anyway, when everything is new. I have said once, that i would very much like for you to teach me things... to learn and grow through a romantic experience with you. I have so much to learn... we have so much to learn. and i yearn to learn with you.
I am not after LOVE ... at least not yet - for its just too soon for that... i am after the chance of experiencing what may lead to LOVE... with you... its not that i cannot wait... its just that i do not know how to move - you're so vulnerable that your fear is too palpable it weakens me... im not that strong ... i am weak myself... But i can be strong for you and as far as waiting is concerned... IM HOLDING ON FOR YOU... PLEASE DONT ASK ME FOR A REASON... and please... PLEASE DONT ASK ME TO LET GO.
you know... you know it.
i got the suggestive bold letters - but there's something missing - WHERE's THE "HEHEHE" in the heading/title of this post? its incomplete... never forget that! coz that's how happy thoughts are... they make one smile...
... as i said - I WILL WAIT - coz im young and i have my whole life ahead of me... for now... i need you to understand this - no matter how much you try to run away from it ... i am already here. there's no point denying the feelings... its much too risky - that's why im just too open about mine, coz there's no point hiding them... especially for someone like you as i see and feel your a good person and i trust myself with that. find comfort in the reality - that someone somewhere is waiting for you... that there was this one day, that someone offered his heart to you. that i was a happier man because i got to know someone like you. i love you, my friend - always remember that.
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