everyone has yearender entries

Late 2005, someone i could've spent the rest of my life with cheated on me. after that incident, that someone dumped me. back then i felt ugly. i was very fat. and i looked old. i could've wallowed in self pity and ate an entire gonuts donuts store. i chose to go to the gym.

Around the same time last year, i weighed 210 pounds. now i'm down to 160 give and take a few pounds. i can say that i haven't reached my ideal weight. but losing 50 pounds is an achievement. and i am extremely happy with the results. i still look older than my age, though. it's in the eyes, i think.

i made a few close friends last year. and i am determined to keep them for good. they know who they are.

dated a few people too. dumped some. got dumped by some. the dating scene now is different than it was four years ago. i never realized that romantic possibilities are now easily disposed off. now, relationships, on the average last for a couple of months. people have become really shortsighted. hay.

got a job writing press releases for a PR firm. i'm enjoying my new-found career so far.

i dated four people this year. i am still single. i must admit that up to now, i am terrified at the idea of taking the plunge again.

so far, i got 2 out of five things in my Christmas wish list. they gave me the more expensive ones. but i'm still hoping someone would give me a 'gangland' dvd.

i'm now officially 'friends' with my ex. so that means i am totally over the twat! yahoo!




and most importantly, this year i finally get to have myself back.

...

1. it's 12 noon. the 24th of December. just woke up. alone in my pad.
2. for breakfast - dark chocolate and a glass of water.
3. need to buy gifts for - Mamang and Shobe.
4. will be at the family reunion later - i hate family reunions. they ask irritating questions like, ' why don't you have a girlfriend?' or ' why don't you pursue your nursing career?'
5. i'll be seeing my 95 year-old grandfather later. i love my lolo.
6. last night at krispy kreme - someone was giving away free glazed donuts to customers. i jumped and grabbed one from her. delicious. she was looking at me like i was some kind of weirdo. "so what if i am a weirdo, you normal person you."
7. of all the entries in the filmfest beginning tomorrow, i'm most bent on seeing 'ligalig'
8. last film i saw - shortbus on dvd. totally interesting. i loved the characters. so intelligent yet so stupid. flawed. very human.
9. amos lee's cd is amazing.
10. i'm craving for fresh lumpia right now.

gotta go. i need to replace my toilet seat cover.

Interview me!!! Please!!!

al asks:

1. What will you do if we're both stuck in an island with no means of escape and our only means of survival is to resort to cannibalism. Will you kill me or you let me kill you?

I'm fat. and you're malnourished. so alright. kill me.

2. You die and at the heavenly gates you need to convince St. Peter that you deserve to enter heaven. What will you say?

"Daddy Pete, I've been a good, good boy. I fed al my body so he could go on living. Now lemme in."

3. Will you go for that someone who loves you or that someone you love?

Seriously, for a change, i'd go for someone who loves me.

4. Imagine yourself in my shoes. What would you do this Christmas?

Give cy the grandest gift!

5. If there would be only one shop in the world what shop should that be?

Definitely a media store. Like the one in megamall (powerbooks and music one).


======
SINO magpa-pa-interview?

The Rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."

2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your journal with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

kreesmas weeesh leeest

1. a dvd of peque gallaga and lore reyes' youth flick 'gangland.'
2. new gloves for working out.
3. clicker.
4. john legend's new cd.
5. mp3 player(yung cheap lang).

Pahabol: i just had to say -- last night's opening of Friday's in galeria was really fun. food and booze overflowed. the staff was genuinely gracious and friendly. we all had a great time.

so far...

after a couple of motnhs(?), i'm back.

work gets in the way, you know. malaking hadlang ang trabaho sa pag eeljay.

here's what happened (and has been happening) lately:
1. i am now a permanent employee. i got a raise. yipee.
2. i'm back in the dating scene.
3. a friend(who used to see me only on webcam and have met me in the flesh just once) told another friend that i'm butt ugly in person. i'm inclined to believe him. but then, i didn't say that i'm goodlooking anyway.
4. saw two of my closest buds (al and z). nagpafootspa at sm mall of asia.
5. was rejected by someone. oh well. there's always a first time.

next: my Christmas wish list.

So after three gruelling weeks of working in a PR firm, i'm finally starting to get the hang of things. My work day starts with me reading more than 8 newspapers a day looking for news about the industry that i'm supposed to write press releases for. By the time that i've gone through every page and have gotten the summary of each news item, the clock should've hit 12 noon. afternoons are spent writing and going on press rounds and attending meetings and doing interviews and being nice and peachy to everyone.

totally stressful and tiring.

and i have to go to the gym four times a week to lose weight.

i miss having eight hours of sleep.

and my friends.

i am anxious. after an imposed sabbatical, i am now rejoining the tax paying workforce starting monday. i am anxious, but i am also excited.

going...

going...gone?

jagged little pills

i'm a supplement freak. it started when i almost fainted two years ago and the doctor's couldn't find anything wrong with me. i did my own research and found these supplements very helpful.

everyday i take:
1. a B complex caplet
2. folic acid
3. selenium
4. vitamin e
5. vitamin c
6. vitamin a&d
7. co-enzyme Q10
8. omega 3
9. dietary fiber supplement
10. a tablespoon of extra virgin coconut oil

when i feel tired and weak i take:
1. vitamin B-12 sublingually or
2. korean ginseng capsules

sometimes, though, it gets really tiring to get one pill from each and every bottle. so i just pop a multivatamin and go.

ill pare

it's hard when you are sick and you live alone.

trust me. i know how it feels.

i've been living independently since college. my mom went to the states and for the first time in our lives, we got separated. i remember crying in my room at the dorm (where i used to live) everytime i experienced a severe asthma attack. my solo flights to the hospital were the dumps for me. i pitied myslef big time during those times.

fast forward to present day.

i've been nursing a slight fever since sunday evening. and although the fever has subsided a couple of days ago, my body pain decided to stick with me up until now. i suspect the pain must come from working out five times a week for the past three months or so. i heard you should only work out three to four times in a week. so the physical abuse must've brought about the body discomfort.

the fever i think should come from my piercing. my brother coerced me to have my ears pierced last saturday. i don't know what possessed me back then but i said yes right away. he was wrong when he thought he'd see me scream in pain when the gun drills a hole in my ear. but now my lobes are swollen red and as big as squid balls.

so here i am, stuck inside my 34 square meter appartment, and bored out of my wits. i've been craving for pad thai and miso soup but i don't have the strength to get dressed and run to the nearest oody's express or teriyaki boy.

i miss having someone to take care of me. i really do.


***

ang salaming tridi

even brandon routh will not look good in these glasses.

song lyrics that move

it's only you that makes me free
i'm not used to being loved,
not me.

- free, Simon Webbe


goodbye my lover
goodbye, my friend
you have been the one
you have been the one for me
i'm so hollw, baby, i'm so hollow
i'm so, i'm so, i'm so hollow

- goodbye my lover, James Blunt


i have seen
i have been to places far and deep in my mind
only to find comfort in your strangeness

- comfort in your strangeness, Cynthia Alexander


go
don't worry i'll stay sane
'cause i'm a friend as much as a lover
this patient waiting is good
for the heart and soul

- go, Barbie's Cradle


pause in your busy day
look extra long my way
wink at me across the room
kiss me longer
touch my arm when i am by your side
so i can fly

- fly, Sarah Groves


beyond the things i'm not, there's love inside of me
just love me for all the things i am
love me

- for everything i am, Christian Bautista


when you say you love me
the world goes still, so still inside
when you say you love me
for a moment
there's no one else alive

- when you say you love me, Josh Groban


do you really love me,
or are you just
lonely?
...you're just lonely.

- you love me, Cacai Velasquez


more next time.

today...

1. woke up at 1pm. ate 1 banana.
2. went to the gym. worked out for three hours.
3. robert texted. asked me where i was. i asked him why. he told me, "la lang."
4. met era for dinner at McDonald's St. Francis.
5. bought a movie ticket ( Superman Returns @ IMAX) for wednesday next week.
6. stood on a bus going home.
7. robert came by to pick me up. fritz and cathy were inside the car.
8. went to baang coffee to finally try their famous cheesecake. yummy. got introduced to kris.
9. went to robert's place for a drink.
10. went back home at 2:30 am.


they called...
1.beno
2.robert
3.neil
4.era

talked to them online...
1.young
2.jake
3.denis
4.chris


nice.

m e . . .

this shit is bananas

b1 talks to b2 online
b1 and b2 become really good friends
b1 and b2 meet
b1 takes b2 home
b1 and b2 like each other
b1 and b2 talk
b1 and b2 kiss
b1 and b2 agree to see each other exclusively
b2 goes back home
b2 calls and takes back everything it said
b1 and b2 agree to remain friends
b1 is sad
today, b1 is going out with someone else.

e i f f e l

you went to a clothes store looking for that perfect pair of pants. you found it at a local shop. a size 32 stone washed low rise jean. the nice embroidered design on the back pocket makes it all the more cute. you try it on. it's perfect. you get your wallet and see a five hundred peso bill. then you look at the tag. php1,399. shrugging, you went back and placed the pair of jeans in the hanger. you tell yourself that when you have the money, you're going to get back and get it.

you went out of the shop hopeful.

weeks pass. the long wait is over. you remember how good it looked on you. how the soft denim felt against your leg. how tall it made you look. you are smiling. and now that you have the money to make the purchase, you run back to the shop.

and the jeans you were eyeing was not available in your size anymore.

do you know how that feels?



i am feeling that feeling right now.  that miserable, frustrated feeling. and i am not even looking for a pair of jeans.

AKO ITO because it resonates

kung mayroon man akong mamahalin
sino kaya ng pipiliin
yung tahimik o yung malakas ang dating
kahit di handa&ampamp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;bgsound src="http://www.blogupload.com/71626/07_Ako_Ito-Unbound.wma" loop=infinite&ampamp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;
dapat bang pilitin
in real life ano ang dapat gawin
yung isa na malapit sya ang abot kamay
o yung isa na malayo panaginip lang habangbuhay
nagmamadali ba ako
hindi naman siguro, hindi naman
pero bago ang lahat...dapat kilalanin mo muna ang sarili mo
ang tunay mong damdamin bago magmahal ng kahit sino pa man
kilalanin muna ang sarili
alamin mo muna ng mabuti
kilalanin muna
alamin mo muna mahalin mo muna
ang sarili mo
part of your youth
i sympathize you've been through hell
and in that hell i don't think you still wanna dwell
pain is consistentlybitchin' all your life
it's all up to you if above it you will rise
confusionis knocking on your door
you know so well that you can pin him down to the floor
pain turns to hate
and hate's empowered all the more
if you deny yourself to forgive and to soar
years of anger still trying to find an exit
when there's despair
strength comes along with it
but you have to realize
that in this game we call life
you lose if you get even
you win if you break the chain of hate
i and i listen!
i better start forgiving
i better start believing
to believe in me
ako ito na nagbabago
ako ito na natututo
ako ito na binubuo
ang pagkatao ko
kilalanin muna ang sarili
alamin mo muna ng mabuti
kilalanin muna
alamin mo muna
mahalin mo muna
ang sarili mo
kung mayron man akong mamahalin
yun ay AKO



now i just hope someone gets to read these lyrics. i've been listening heavily to this song lately. buti nalang may kopya ako ng 2 week panic ng brownbeat allstars.

what?

what makes you stay
when your world falls apart
what makes you try one more time
when it's not in your heart
at the end of your rope
when you can't find any hope
you still look at him and say
'i just can't walk away'
tell me what makes you stay

eto ang panalo

i was looking for what i wrote in a dedication frame for my goddaughter's christening when i saw this.

i must admit, talo kaming lahat ni miguel dito. hehehe...

have you...

...heard South Border's new song? it's called Reward. i got goosebumps listening to it.

fritz

most of my friends don't know this, but my bestfriend fritz and i go a long way. we met when we were just weaned out of using our diapers. we were classmates since kindergarten. she was crying the whole time during class (which really irritated me) so i put it upon myself to befriend her so she'd stop whining.

we sort of drifted apart during high school when she developed boobs and got the admiration of half the school populace. we became friends again when we went to college and worked as editors for the school paper. now she is married to the brother of my ex(i know it's complicated, but my nahilaw na brother-in-law and i are very good friends now) and they have a beautiful child, keira, my inaanak.

i never get tired of our conversations. sometimes i imagine our talks as part of a scene in an indie film. hehe.

and coffee just tastes better with her around.

paradise. need i say more?

eb time...

boracay, paradise on earth, i'll see you later.

kilala mo ba ang mga ito?

if you are a child of the eighties and the era's new wave music, then you've probably heard of the smiths. there were a lot of good new wave bands back then, like the wild swans and the psychedelic furs, but the smiths, to me, is the greatest new wave act ever. who would ever think of writing songs such as "shoplifters of the world unite" or "girlfriend in a coma"?

i heard that ex smiths frontman morrissey (is it true that he is gay?) has just released a new cd. sana may pambili.

magkano na ba cd ngayon? limang daan na ata dinagdagan pa ng VAT. patay na tayo dyan.


girlfriend in a coma i know
i know
it's serious

girlfriend in a coma i know
i know
it's really serious

there were times that i could have murdered her
but you know
i would hate anything to happen to her

no, i don't want to see her

do you really think
she'll pull through?
do you really think
she'll pull through?
do...

girlfriend in a coma i know
i know it's serious
my, my, my, my, my, my baby, goodbye

there were times when i could have strangled her
but you know i would hate anything
to happen to her

would you please let me see her

do you really think she'll pull through?
do you really think she'll pull through?
do...

let me whisper my last goodbyes
i know

it's serious...

saccharinely hilo

i'm desperately trying to lose some weight.

so i watch what i put in my mouth (talking 'bout food and drink here, alright?).

but i'm addicted to soda. can't live without it.

the problem is whenever i drink aspartame sweetened drinks like diet sodas and teas, i get really dizzy and nauseous. have you had these symptoms after drinking pepsi max? or is it just me?

but sweet kisses i got to spare...

i read from someone's blog that he calls himself (and other fans of the film and stage musicale) a renthead.

i was wondering if i should call myself a renthead since i've seen the film (i haven't seen the stage version though) a dozen times and i plan to see it 525,600 times more.

so do i qualify?

you should know that...

1. i just turned thirty.
2. i am an arian.
3. my last relationship lasted for three years and four months. that was the first relationship i had with the same sex. before that, i had a girlfriend. i broke her heart. with the last, it was my heart that got broken.
4. it's been five months since i last had sex.
5. the first sexual encounter i could remember was when i was six. an older female playmate stripped and sat on me and rubbed her genitals against my penis. back then i didn't know what she was doing. but it felt good.
6. i only had phone sex with four people. and it all happened when i was 29.
7. two persons have seen my dick thru webcam.
8. i like to kiss.
9. i came out to my mom last december. she asked me if i was gay because i didn't have a girlfriend at my age. i was taken aback for a bit. i answered, "ma, it's just that i'm not attracted to women right now". she didn't utter a word for an hour after that.
10. i am single.

good friday...

...was indeed good. everyone trooped to cainta to witness the holy week procession and to eat the famous palabok which we only get to taste during good friday on a vacant lot where the passion play is held. i wonder where they permanently set up shop.

maundy thursday

1. woke up at 10. didn't pop the (sleeping) pill last night. i fear being addicted to it. had only six hours of sleep. felt so weak.
2. went online. talked to noone. logged out. watched Kapag Langit ang Humatol on 2.
3. ate laing and rice for lunch.
4. went online again. talked to chris. talked about each other's problems.
5. steamed some blue marlin fillet. didn't eat it.
6. went online again. talked to chris. shared mp3s.
7. saw Kailangan Kita also on 2.
8. 1:10 am. i wanna get some sleep. maybe i'd have to take the pill tonight.

uhmmm/hmmm...

i'm really sorry that i just cannot reciprocate with the same magnitude your feelings for me at this point and i really understand if you can't wait any longer and it's not your fault that you don't understand what i have gone through to make myself whole again just thinking about letting myself become vulnerable again scares me for now you came close though i am not gonna answer your calls and messages i think it would be easier for the both of us if i didn't i hope you get to find what you're looking for soon goodbye...

holy wednesday

if i were to be taught by someone
i'd like it to be you.
that when i learn
i learn and grow in love with you
i have fallen.
and as of this day
the second day
after the first month from when i heard your voice
i say to you..
"i offer you my heart"
with no demands
no expectations
no pressure.

someone said this to me last night. we're not talking as of today.

Put It On...

Have you ever heard Corrine Bailey Rae's Put Your Records On? i just can't stop listening to it.

three little birds sat on my window
and they told me i don't need to worry
summer came like cinnamon
so sweet
little girls double-dutch on the concrete

maybe sometiomes, we got it wrong, but it's alright
the more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
oh, don't you hestitate

girl put your records on, tell me your favorite song
you go ahead, let your hair down
sapphire and faded jeans,i hope you get your dreams
just go ahead, let your hair down

you'ra gonna find yourself, somewhere, somehow

blue as the sky, somber and lonely
sipping tea in the bar by the road side
(just relax, just relax)
don't let those other boys fool you
gotta love that afro hairdo

maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
the more you stay the same, the more they seem to change
don't you think it's strange?

'twas more than i could take, pity for pity's sake
some night's kept me awake, i thought i was stronger
when you gonna realize,that you don't even have to try any longer
do what you want to

Sai recommends...

saw THE HILLS HAVE EYES @ gateway cinema. terrifying. the sound was excellent. the popcorn i was eating shot off through my nose. everyone should see it.

aylabmayprends

i had a wonderful surprise on the eve of my birthday. i was grocery shopping with mylene when matt asked if he could borrow the key to my house because he needed to do a #2.. when i got home, the most important people in my life were there to surprise me. and they brought lots of food. i've haven't been really happy for months now and this gesture made me smile. era--you have no idea how important you are to me. i wouldn't have survived one of the most hellish experiences of my life if you weren't there to hold my hand. i love you so much. ryan, how could someone so intelligent be able to love so unconditionally? the sms you sent me when you got home was the sweetest i have ever received. thank you. matt--where's your stepmom? hehehe...i know you love me more. and i love you too -- so much.  harry/shugee--harry, you may not know this but you have taught me a lot of things...and the greatest of them is kindness. i sometimes get pissed when you're being too kind to people who don't deserve such treatment. but i realized that i was actually envious of this rare quality of yours. sana ganyan din ako. ate erlie--you play your role perfectly. i look up to you and your wisdom. mai--now it's my turn to tell you that i love you mai. labylaby. conrad--my newest friend. we can't help but love you con. you are such a sweet guy. i'm glad that you've finally spent more time with us. here's to more bonding in bora. hehehe... i didn't know that i was capable of being cheesy. i've written the L word in this entry so many times. but then it's my birthday so i think i'm allowed. i just can't say it enough. mahal ko kayo.

Were The Mosquitoes Watching Dingdong and Iza?

last week after seeing moments op lab with my bestfriend( i'm never gonna watch a movie in sm north again...ang mga damuhong lamok bit us endlessly) , we went to starbucks and talked about relationships. she's now married and has a daughter with the brother of my ex (i introduced them to each other) and i see that she's really happy. before she met her new beau she was in a devastating relationship that lasted for five years. so while having my raspberry frap i told her that i'm intensely attracted to a person whom i've been talking a lot to thru messenger.

me: but when the talk goes to what he feels for me and how we should take the relationship to the next level, i push him away.
her: why?
me: i'm scared. you know how my last relationship ended.
her: ganyan din ako. it took me almost two years to love again.
me: don't get me wrong ha, i still think about him sometimes. and it pisses me that he could move on to another reationship so easily while we are left to be miserable for months. i'm wondering why it's so hard for us to move on... bakit kaya?
her: eh ganun talaga pag sila pa ang may kasalanan pansin mo?
me: onga. three year relationship din yun tapos nakamove on na after a month. and he has had three or four boyfriends already after me. and it's only been like ten months since we split.
her: (laughs)
me: masyado kasi tayo nagiisip. sometimes i wish i was dumb. if that was the case, moving on would be so easy.
her: ay. may ibig sabihin ba yun?
me: wala. siguro he fell out of love for me months pa before we split up. kaya siguro ganun.
her: you know that it took me almost two years to love again. you know what i found out? sana dati pa ako nakipagrelasyon ulit. kasi when you decide to take the plunge again, you will immediately wonder why you didn't do it long ago pa. it feels good to love someone and have that someone love you back. and i assure you, sai, the next time you go into a relationship, you will be wiser. i'm in a relationshop now, but i know that if ever this relationship doesn't work out, i know that i will not be crushed like what i experienced dati. naranasan ko na yun dati eh. i know now that i am my own individual. and he is too. and although i love him and he loves me too, i know that i can live with or without him.

galing, no?

today...

1. i dragged myself to the gym and worked my ass off for a couple of hours.
2. saw my gorgeous girl friend era, and we ate like pigs at Mcdonald's saint francis.
3. went to fix to have my hair cut (thanks, Gilbert).
4. bought a shirt one size smaller.
5. met my friends ryan and matt.
6. and went with them to see the 'dick and jane' movie premiere.
7. after the movie, we ate like pigs at yahoo in metrowalk.

and i'm still wondering why after two months of working out i haven't had any significant weight loss.